Inside Out

I feel like I’m inside out! 

This journey of self-discovery is proving to be very difficult and painful at times. I’ve decided to do my best to be selective with who I call friend and make those friendships meaningful and purposeful.  Doing this I am pushing myself to take a look at what kind of friend I am to others. 

I have learned that I really don’t know how to be friends with people in general, especially other men. I’m really good at listening and being social which I thought made me a good friend, but now I’m not so sure. This brings me back to the previous blog about friendships and what they mean to me. I “know” a lot of people but actually know very few. I’ve also been told that I am a great listener but suck at self-disclosure, which is hilarious to me because I have built my style of counseling around being very open with the struggles of my life and the things I have gone through. I guess teaching through my experiences is very different than actually sharing them with a friend on a heart-to-heart level. But again, I don’t feel I’m good at the heart-to-heart thing.   

I pride myself on being “smart”. I find myself striving to continuously learn about different things and collect knowledge so that I have the information when I need it. I tell myself that it’s okay to be asked a question and not know the answer, but only once. The next time I’m asked about that topic I need to have a basic understanding of the topic, or I become upset with myself for several reasons. I’m learning this has pushed me to sideline my emotions. Hell, my mom even told me recently that I’m cold hearted. LOL! I agree but I don’t see it as cold hearted. I see it as being pragmatic. Separating facts and feelings are how I process things. What are the facts and what are the feelings and what are they telling me to do?  Both are equally important. But as I often tell my clients, facts and feelings are very rarely friends, and they too often contradict each other.

I’m going to do better with connecting with my friends on more of an emotional level and share more of me with them. WOW! Sitting here thinking about doing that is scary. I’m realizing that I don’t trust very easily. That’s sad actually. I honestly can’t come up with one person in my life that I trust completely, which I’m sure impacts my ability to have transparent and emotionally invested friendships.

Performing an emotional autopsy on yourself is crazy interesting but tough for sure. Turning oneself inside out to see what’s there is a journey everyone needs to undergo at some point in their life, but believe me it’s not for the weak minded or the faint of heart. 

It will be interesting to see what I find.

Chat soon,

Joshua