My Kind of Crazy

I feel that my kind of crazy is a special kind of crazy but then again doesn’t everyone.  “Crazy” is a very fluid thing – even more fluid than gender, sexuality, religion, or economics.  My point is that I want my “crazy” to be special because it makes me special – right?

As I said in the last blog entry, I have sat in front of all kinds of crazy over the past 22 years.  The fact is “crazy” is super common.  However, the circumstances of the “crazy” is special, or at least unique to each person and situation.  I have strived so hard in my life to figure out what makes me special that I have overlooked a lot of what actually makes me stand out.  It makes me laugh.  I, like most of us, have tried to stand out in the crowd by doing everything I could to fit into the herd. 

Most would say that concept is all about self-esteem, confidence, and self-awareness. This is completely true, but in my life, it has fallen squarely on my sense of self, my identity, and who I am authentically compared to what I want others to think, feel, and believe about me.  This journey began for me when I turned 40.  No, I don’t think it was a mid-life crisis as much as it was a crisis of authenticity but maybe it was.  I am now 43 years old, and I am just now comfortable enough to start looking at who I am and who I want to be through the lens of authenticity.

This is crazy, right?  At my age I should have a pretty good idea of who I am and what I stand for.  The reality is that I do, but I haven’t done the work to self-actualize and bring those parts of me to the surface for everyone to see without shame, guilt, or embarrassment.  The old adage, “youth is waisted on the young,” is true in that it’s not until you gain life experience that you truly understand the significance of a moment. 

There have been so many moments that I would go back and do differently if I could.  Or would doing things differently back then make me a better or worse person now? Who knows. What I do know is that every moment offers opportunity for a brief time and what you do, or not do in that moment will change the trajectory of your life moving forward. 

I decided several months ago that I would slow down, take every moment and decide what to do with the attitude of authenticity.  I still shy away from that at times but I am getting better.  In so doing I am becoming happier with the person I am.  I encourage you to try it yourself.